I've been to prison once.
I've been married twice.
I was once drafted by Lyndon Johnson and had to live in shit-ass Mexico for two and a half years for no reason.
I've had my eye socket punched in, a kidney taken out, and I got a bone chip in my ankle that's never gonna heal.
I've seen some pretty shitty situations in my life.
But nothing has ever sucked more ass than this.
This soliloquy by Billy Bob Thornton as Willie, the Bad Santa, is pretty much the best start to a completely child-unsuitable holiday movie...ever...which is why it continues to top the list of my favorite holiday traditions. (Even better, there's now an unrated version - Badder Santa - to add to your collection!) As a drunken miserable safecracker, Billy Bob Thornton and his diminutive partner in crime - the hilariously foul-mouthed Tony Cox - pose as a department store Santa and his elf for a heartwarming tale of what happens when the Holiday Spirit has a few too many.
The cast also includes:
...the fabulous Bernie Mac as a store detective with a head for blackmail and a metrosexual streak, Cloris Leachman, a grandma obsessed with making sandwiches, a friendly female bartender with a fetish for doin' the nasty with Santa and the charmingly chubby kid Thurman Merman (when I found out this is what Rachel Bilson named her dog, I instantly became her diehard fan).
Bad Santa is available at Amazon.com.
- Lesley Scott