A Very Demented Clark Griswold Xmas to You + Cheery Holiday Light Abuse from a Suburb of NYC
In honor of National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, one of my fave heartwarming holiday movie traditions (Bad Santa being the other) & its 25,000 colored-light ode to ridiculous Christmas **B-L-I-N-G**, here are some of Chevy-Chase-as-Clark's best lines:
"Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn... the clean, cool chill of the holiday air... an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer..."
" Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny f**ing Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse."
"Hey. If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is. Hallelujah. Holy shit. Where's the Tylenol?"
For all this and oh so much more, visit the National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation site at Bubba.org & find out where to order the Marty Moose glasses, and be sure to download the Spirit of Christmas song which plays when Clark is stuck in the attic...or - like this house (below) in a Long Island suburb outside NYC - see how your holiday bling compares to the Griswold's:
I couldn't believe my eyes either.
Have happy, well-lit holidays!
- Lesley Scott
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